ill never learn

i know what im doing isnt what i should be doing, but i dont stop. what is wrong with me? i know exactly how this will end, and yet i dont change anything. this will end badly, this will end with tears. tears that even while falling, will be for nothing. i was told to lower my standards, and i did, and its making me happy for the time being, but i know it wont last. this is the same situation, just a different guy, and im the one who will ruin things ... again.

who loves not be hung over? this girl.

for starters, last night was lots of fun. i love random dance parties. but how is it that i can go months without thinking of someone, and yet they still pop into my dreams? and why, after 5 years when i do dream about him, do i still revert back to feelings i had in 10th grade? why cant it just go away? am i really that stuck? god i hope not. i guess in a way i am still kinda stuck on that, i mean i cant even talk to the kid when im around him. i feel so bad about it cause we used to be friends, but i just cant. every time i do the tears just well up behind my eyes. dang it ... i am stuck. haha.

rusted from the rain

i very much dislike rainy cold days. its 6 pm and i havent done a single thing today. its depressing. i can only watch so much TV, play so many cideo games, and listen to so much music. i need to do something with my life. on that note i managed to make it through the first week of school without running into some people i didnt want to see. itll happen eventually, but i def. did not need that this week. i think im gonna start working on my iPod art and get that all squared away. i always like when its all orginized. maybe ill do a lil homework too. thats prolly a smart idea. look at me acting like im gonna be all mature on a friday night. haha. lets just hope that stays true.

im a fucking idiot

seriously ... what the hell am i doing?

yay for independent studies!

so i just finished writing my project proposal for my independent study, and im so pumped. ive been waiting to start this project for like 5 months. i think its really gonna be something thats gonna push me outta my comfort zone on so many levels. for one ill be working with video, so thats totally new, and were gonna be talking about a lot of sex. im sure mom and dad are gonna love that. haha. i dont think theyll be seeing it to be honest. ahhh its amazing, writing this one paper has made me feel so productive. i hate when im not working on something artistic.

hoping sleep comes easily

i really dont want to like you. you dont like me. your making it impossible for me to not too.

waking up from a dreamless sleep

i hate when i cant fall asleep so i have to take something to help me. i never dream when i have any sort of sleep aid (or alcohol) inside my system. i do very much enjoy dreaming. but i think most people would call the dreams i have nightmares. the weird thing is im so used to these nightmares, they dont really scare me anymore. its so normal for me to be being chased by someone who wants to kill me. i find it funny that i cant watch a scary movie to save my life, yet i totally embrace my scary dreams. dont get me wrong, they for sure scare me, ive woken up screaming and crying more times them i can even count. it just deosnt effect me anymore. oh and you know that myth that says you always wake up before you die in your dreams? totally not true. i usually wake up, but not all the time. i wish i knew what being chased and killed in my dreams all the time meant. cause it must mean something, i wouldnt have these all the time if they didnt.

lacking inspiration. need to find some. can you help?

classes start again tomorrow. all i can think about is when ill see you. i know its gonna happen. i know i wont be able to control the situation and it kills me.