lost.

some days, i just wanna tell everyone i know to fuck off and just start all over.

i feel like ive been neglecting a friend.

im trying so hard to not let emotions get involved. im failing and i dont know where or when to draw the line. for as honest and outspoken as i am, i can never say the things that matter to me most. im simply lying to myself. i look back on past entries, and clearly i am. how many times, with how many different people, have i tried to just stop caring? its so frustarting to know that i cant even listen to myself. because the outside me thinks it knows whats best from me and is telling me to move on. and the inside me, the one i try to ignore, is telling me fucking open up and just take a chance. whos right and whos wrong? it seems like theres no winning, only loosing.

it sucks when you put a lot of work into somthing and it doesnt pan out.

so true, and thats why im moving on.

CMU

so ive had some time to reflect on the disaster that was CMU tailgate this saturday. im a rules person, i like rules, i follow the rules, but rules shouldnt be used to desrtoy something that wasnt so bad in the first place. like personally i hate that people are making people who didnt go to tailgate out to be only concerned with drinking. persoanlly i dont think anyone needs more then 6 beers at tailgate, but who is anyone to put a limit on that? with that limit your gonna get girls who will be drunk off of six beers and guys who are sober, and not all guys are good guys. way to think that one through CMU. and i also agree that we should be able to have kegs or animals at the tailgate. and i dont think that anyone has anything bad to say about the increased police inforcement or the emergemcy lane that has been put in place. the main thing i disagree with is not being about to have your music turned up load or having outside speakers brought in. that was what made tailgate so great. who complained? people with small children? there's a lot for that in front of the stadium. so why did CMU feel the need to make taligate "safer"? who knows. but they certainaly made north campus more unsafe. people get to drunk and get food posining everywhere, not just at a tailgate. people get MIP's and not just at a tailgate. i think that CMU did a great job of ruining something that connceted the student body. this school is starting to bleed football, and all of a sudden then want to put a bandaid on tailgate? im happy that students still filled the stands in support of our team, but i was just as happy to see students unite and take a stand against somthing they didnt believe in. we are the majority, and we have the ability to create change. i hope everyone sticks to what they feel is right, and if the administaters dont make changes, shame on them for taking away one of the greatest experiences at CMU. RIP tailgate, you will be missed.

i hate seeing friends in pain.

its heartbreaking to see my best friends feeling so terrible over things that i think are silly. i hate that we (myself included) let others have so much control over our emotions. ive been through it myself, and i see others go though it, but this is why im so guarded. when you open yourself up and let someone in and things go wrong its devastating. i hate seeing my friends go though such difficult things, and it makes me think about why i dont let myself open up to anyone. i want to change that, i want to let people in, but i see no hope for myself.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

i am putting myself into a very bad position. blah.

holy crap.

sunburn.

sleep?

i need some. new boy? maybe ... yeah prolly not. arg life. way to throw me off. i just wanna get into a bed.

danny golden glovers

so we won our first softball game yesterday. very exciting. ended up going all over mt p trying to find something to do, but i had a few beers and was a good girl. yay for me. meeting today about art, love that.

got some much needed sleep.

softball game today, super excited. im gonna try not to drink. i think that is a fantastic idea.

you dont wanna know whats in my hair

ahhhhhhhhh im. an. idiot. im glad dani called this morning.

didnt get much sleep last night.

i dont like skipping class, but i could not have made it. i had like 3 hours of sleep so i just rolled over and said forget it. no caffeine for andi today.

I can live without you, but without you i'll be miserable at best.

"And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
Been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly"

back where i belong.

going home for the weekend was nice, didnt really help me figure anything out but it was nice to feel normal again. i think i have crossed a bridge in my life though, and i dont see any reason to go back over it. its a good feeling, i finally know im gonna be okay. its a beautiful day, i should be spending some timew outside :)

stupid girl.

gonna be an idiot and listen to my heart. yuck feelings. i think i should go home today. i should prolly crawl under a rock for a few days in all reality. how can i be so angry and so happy at the same time?

when will it stop?

fuck i donno. fuck.

what do i do?

do i let you back in against my better judgment or do i follow my head and wonder the rest of my life if i did the right thing?

tears.

no words.

todays a good day for caffiene

somehow i managed to stay up till about 4 am and still responded to my alarm clock at 9:30. maybe i shouldnt let ex boyfriends drag me into conversations i dont wanna have. lets be serious ... you dumped me in 10th grade cause i wouldnt have sex with you and now you wanna talk to me about how lonely you are? come on. youre not a bad guy or anything, but im lonely too. i dont need to be reminded of that by you.

well someone drank last night

as of right now, i have no idea what "smiles all around" is referring to. haha. at least i wasnt angry for once. dang it andi .... pull yourself together.

bring it all back!

dang it ... smiles all around!

time to move on

im never gonna find what im looking for if i refuse to let myself be alone. so im done letting myself feel bad over things i can control.

what do i want?

nothing goin on really, just the normal "i have no idea what i want." i wish i could just spit out the words i keep thinking about saying but cant. it would make my life easier. but god knows im not about making my life easier haha. silly boys.

kleenex is gods way of letting you know youre unnattractive

im sick. why is this the worst week ever?

I CALLED IT!

i fucking knew id run into you. the one fucking person i wanted to avoid with my entire being. theres only one thing worse then seeing you, and its knowing that im still in love with you.

its only a matter of time

ill cry at some point today, i can feel the tears right behind my eyes. its an awful feeling. i feel like crap, i have a sore throat and an unset stomach. naturally today is my longest day, and friends want me to go out after. plus im behind on my home work. im a waste of space.