almost a week.

so im happy, finally, but at the same time i feel like im losing parts of myself. its like i can never win, even if im winning. weird.

i surprize myself sometimes.

i didnt know i could feel so happy.

im so annoyed.

i see how its gonna be ... all about you, and not about me. im not sure if thats gonna work out.

happy.

no picture today, i severely need to dye my hair.


things are good, i almost dont know how to function when things are good.

am i doing the right thing?

i have no idea, i might be in to deep.

life is good?

maybe it is.

the rollercoaster ride ...

... that is my life. cant do anything but laugh. haha.

lost.

some days, i just wanna tell everyone i know to fuck off and just start all over.

i feel like ive been neglecting a friend.

im trying so hard to not let emotions get involved. im failing and i dont know where or when to draw the line. for as honest and outspoken as i am, i can never say the things that matter to me most. im simply lying to myself. i look back on past entries, and clearly i am. how many times, with how many different people, have i tried to just stop caring? its so frustarting to know that i cant even listen to myself. because the outside me thinks it knows whats best from me and is telling me to move on. and the inside me, the one i try to ignore, is telling me fucking open up and just take a chance. whos right and whos wrong? it seems like theres no winning, only loosing.

it sucks when you put a lot of work into somthing and it doesnt pan out.

so true, and thats why im moving on.

CMU

so ive had some time to reflect on the disaster that was CMU tailgate this saturday. im a rules person, i like rules, i follow the rules, but rules shouldnt be used to desrtoy something that wasnt so bad in the first place. like personally i hate that people are making people who didnt go to tailgate out to be only concerned with drinking. persoanlly i dont think anyone needs more then 6 beers at tailgate, but who is anyone to put a limit on that? with that limit your gonna get girls who will be drunk off of six beers and guys who are sober, and not all guys are good guys. way to think that one through CMU. and i also agree that we should be able to have kegs or animals at the tailgate. and i dont think that anyone has anything bad to say about the increased police inforcement or the emergemcy lane that has been put in place. the main thing i disagree with is not being about to have your music turned up load or having outside speakers brought in. that was what made tailgate so great. who complained? people with small children? there's a lot for that in front of the stadium. so why did CMU feel the need to make taligate "safer"? who knows. but they certainaly made north campus more unsafe. people get to drunk and get food posining everywhere, not just at a tailgate. people get MIP's and not just at a tailgate. i think that CMU did a great job of ruining something that connceted the student body. this school is starting to bleed football, and all of a sudden then want to put a bandaid on tailgate? im happy that students still filled the stands in support of our team, but i was just as happy to see students unite and take a stand against somthing they didnt believe in. we are the majority, and we have the ability to create change. i hope everyone sticks to what they feel is right, and if the administaters dont make changes, shame on them for taking away one of the greatest experiences at CMU. RIP tailgate, you will be missed.

i hate seeing friends in pain.

its heartbreaking to see my best friends feeling so terrible over things that i think are silly. i hate that we (myself included) let others have so much control over our emotions. ive been through it myself, and i see others go though it, but this is why im so guarded. when you open yourself up and let someone in and things go wrong its devastating. i hate seeing my friends go though such difficult things, and it makes me think about why i dont let myself open up to anyone. i want to change that, i want to let people in, but i see no hope for myself.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

i am putting myself into a very bad position. blah.

holy crap.

sunburn.

sleep?

i need some. new boy? maybe ... yeah prolly not. arg life. way to throw me off. i just wanna get into a bed.

danny golden glovers

so we won our first softball game yesterday. very exciting. ended up going all over mt p trying to find something to do, but i had a few beers and was a good girl. yay for me. meeting today about art, love that.

got some much needed sleep.

softball game today, super excited. im gonna try not to drink. i think that is a fantastic idea.

you dont wanna know whats in my hair

ahhhhhhhhh im. an. idiot. im glad dani called this morning.

didnt get much sleep last night.

i dont like skipping class, but i could not have made it. i had like 3 hours of sleep so i just rolled over and said forget it. no caffeine for andi today.

I can live without you, but without you i'll be miserable at best.

"And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
Been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly"

back where i belong.

going home for the weekend was nice, didnt really help me figure anything out but it was nice to feel normal again. i think i have crossed a bridge in my life though, and i dont see any reason to go back over it. its a good feeling, i finally know im gonna be okay. its a beautiful day, i should be spending some timew outside :)

stupid girl.

gonna be an idiot and listen to my heart. yuck feelings. i think i should go home today. i should prolly crawl under a rock for a few days in all reality. how can i be so angry and so happy at the same time?

when will it stop?

fuck i donno. fuck.

what do i do?

do i let you back in against my better judgment or do i follow my head and wonder the rest of my life if i did the right thing?

tears.

no words.

todays a good day for caffiene

somehow i managed to stay up till about 4 am and still responded to my alarm clock at 9:30. maybe i shouldnt let ex boyfriends drag me into conversations i dont wanna have. lets be serious ... you dumped me in 10th grade cause i wouldnt have sex with you and now you wanna talk to me about how lonely you are? come on. youre not a bad guy or anything, but im lonely too. i dont need to be reminded of that by you.

well someone drank last night

as of right now, i have no idea what "smiles all around" is referring to. haha. at least i wasnt angry for once. dang it andi .... pull yourself together.

bring it all back!

dang it ... smiles all around!

time to move on

im never gonna find what im looking for if i refuse to let myself be alone. so im done letting myself feel bad over things i can control.

what do i want?

nothing goin on really, just the normal "i have no idea what i want." i wish i could just spit out the words i keep thinking about saying but cant. it would make my life easier. but god knows im not about making my life easier haha. silly boys.

kleenex is gods way of letting you know youre unnattractive

im sick. why is this the worst week ever?

I CALLED IT!

i fucking knew id run into you. the one fucking person i wanted to avoid with my entire being. theres only one thing worse then seeing you, and its knowing that im still in love with you.

its only a matter of time

ill cry at some point today, i can feel the tears right behind my eyes. its an awful feeling. i feel like crap, i have a sore throat and an unset stomach. naturally today is my longest day, and friends want me to go out after. plus im behind on my home work. im a waste of space.

ill never learn

i know what im doing isnt what i should be doing, but i dont stop. what is wrong with me? i know exactly how this will end, and yet i dont change anything. this will end badly, this will end with tears. tears that even while falling, will be for nothing. i was told to lower my standards, and i did, and its making me happy for the time being, but i know it wont last. this is the same situation, just a different guy, and im the one who will ruin things ... again.

who loves not be hung over? this girl.

for starters, last night was lots of fun. i love random dance parties. but how is it that i can go months without thinking of someone, and yet they still pop into my dreams? and why, after 5 years when i do dream about him, do i still revert back to feelings i had in 10th grade? why cant it just go away? am i really that stuck? god i hope not. i guess in a way i am still kinda stuck on that, i mean i cant even talk to the kid when im around him. i feel so bad about it cause we used to be friends, but i just cant. every time i do the tears just well up behind my eyes. dang it ... i am stuck. haha.

rusted from the rain

i very much dislike rainy cold days. its 6 pm and i havent done a single thing today. its depressing. i can only watch so much TV, play so many cideo games, and listen to so much music. i need to do something with my life. on that note i managed to make it through the first week of school without running into some people i didnt want to see. itll happen eventually, but i def. did not need that this week. i think im gonna start working on my iPod art and get that all squared away. i always like when its all orginized. maybe ill do a lil homework too. thats prolly a smart idea. look at me acting like im gonna be all mature on a friday night. haha. lets just hope that stays true.

im a fucking idiot

seriously ... what the hell am i doing?

yay for independent studies!

so i just finished writing my project proposal for my independent study, and im so pumped. ive been waiting to start this project for like 5 months. i think its really gonna be something thats gonna push me outta my comfort zone on so many levels. for one ill be working with video, so thats totally new, and were gonna be talking about a lot of sex. im sure mom and dad are gonna love that. haha. i dont think theyll be seeing it to be honest. ahhh its amazing, writing this one paper has made me feel so productive. i hate when im not working on something artistic.

hoping sleep comes easily

i really dont want to like you. you dont like me. your making it impossible for me to not too.

waking up from a dreamless sleep

i hate when i cant fall asleep so i have to take something to help me. i never dream when i have any sort of sleep aid (or alcohol) inside my system. i do very much enjoy dreaming. but i think most people would call the dreams i have nightmares. the weird thing is im so used to these nightmares, they dont really scare me anymore. its so normal for me to be being chased by someone who wants to kill me. i find it funny that i cant watch a scary movie to save my life, yet i totally embrace my scary dreams. dont get me wrong, they for sure scare me, ive woken up screaming and crying more times them i can even count. it just deosnt effect me anymore. oh and you know that myth that says you always wake up before you die in your dreams? totally not true. i usually wake up, but not all the time. i wish i knew what being chased and killed in my dreams all the time meant. cause it must mean something, i wouldnt have these all the time if they didnt.

lacking inspiration. need to find some. can you help?

classes start again tomorrow. all i can think about is when ill see you. i know its gonna happen. i know i wont be able to control the situation and it kills me.

20.

when will you learn to say what you really feel?

18.

you did the right thing ... even though it was for the wrong reason.

18.

smile lovely.

17.

you've officially created a situation that will not work out well.

The Crossing

not perfect, but im very proud of it.

nights like this ... you wake up and realize youre all alone.

you have truly gotten in over your head this time.

about to head out to finish up shooting my video project.

13.

today is a rainy day, i am not a fan.

12.